Are we there yet?!

(I must warn you that this post is a little all over the place)

I really thought that Christmas would be better this year.

I thought that actually being divorced and done with all the short sale crap would make this time of year easier.

But no, instead I have a whole new set of challenges that are bringing me down.

Right after Thanksgiving I started thinking about how I wished it was 2012 all ready. I didn’t even want to put up my tree (which is one of my favorite things to do). I just wanted to skip over the holidays all together.  I convinced myself that it was okay to skip this year and move along. But then I was given the opportunity to host a party tonight (thanks House Party). So I broke out the boxes of Christmas decorations and got busy decorating my apartment. For the most part it went well and I only broke down once. Unfortunately, due to tons of holiday obligations and other crap, I ended up having to cancel the party.

I made alternate plans because I was determined to do something festive this weekend. But this week I just was not in the festive mood. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out until Santa had come and gone. I hated cancelling on my friends, but thankfully they are wonderful and understand that this time of year is still hard for me. I’m lucky to have them 🙂

For the most part I’ve done what I “needed” to for the holidays. I decorated my apartment, I sent out Christmas cards, I am doing my photo-a-day project, and I bought and wrapped gifts. I’m even making some cookies next week. I’m not saying that I’ve just been a depressed mess this week (or holiday season). Overall I’m doing okay, but I have my moments where I just want to fall apart. Over the last week I’ve cried at just about EVERYTHING that I could possibly cry about… tv shows, blog posts, you name it and its made me cry. But in between I’ll get a Christmas card, or watch a happy show, and then I’m fine again.

I know that I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to make me happy (my pup, my family, my TRUE friends, a cute boy, a job, my health, a nice apartment, etc) – but that doesn’t change the fact that a LOT has changed in the last 2 years and I’m not in the place I want to be or ever thought I would be. It is much easier for your brain to focus on the bad stuff instead of the good, and that definitely is what happens this time of year. I’m so sick of people that aren’t in my situation (or have never been in my situation) making judgments on how I should feel, or act, or behave. How dare you make judgments on a situation that you can’t even pretend to fully understand. Is it wrong that I just want to tell those people to suck it?

<deep breath>

Thankfully I do have friends that even though they don’t personally understand what I’m going through, they understand that I’m going through a rough time. They understand that I’m going to have bad days, but that I’ll come around. They understand that even though I love Christmas, that its hard for me sometimes. They just understand. And for that I am TRULY thankful. Anyway… I think I was going somewhere with this.. oh yes!

I’m currently on day 3 of a 9 day work week that will take me through Dec 22. Then I’ll have 4 days to spend at home with my family before I head back to work. I plan to make the most of it – movie watching with my mom, eating good food, drinking wine, spending time with my family, and even going to Christmas Eve mass. Yes, I said I’m going to Christmas Eve mass. About a week ago I got the crazy idea that I wanted to go to Christmas Eve mass. I can’t even remember the last time I went. But for some reason I feel like I need to go. So I’m gonna go. Maybe I just need a little religion this year. I mean Jesus is the reason for the season right?

So yeah, that’s where I am right now. I’m here and I’m trying to be a part of the holiday festivities, but at the same time I’m just ready for it all to be over with.

Do you have those “moments” during the holiday season? What helps you get through it?